Last week I mentioned that I wasn’t able to write a new entry. I re-published an older blog. Something extraordinary happened. A part of me doesn’t want to share it. I haven’t been able to put my finger on why. I only told Lou. I think I need to share it with all of you. I realized it isn’t mine to keep.Being a bit of recluse these days is not far from the truth in describing me. My reasoning: I was constantly surrounded by people 24/7 with my work. Even lunch was spent with a half dozen work associates. When I would go home at night, I was met at the door by a teenager who’s mouth moved faster than an auctioneer. ‘Alone time’ was a commodity I didn’t own.
Regardless of my desire to preserve my newfound precious reclusion, life has a way of interrupting our plans for it’s own reasons.
A city official stopped to talk with me. He asked if I knew the elderly Polish woman who lives across the road. He told me she is 84 years old, has no family and is completely alone.
She’s barely functional and completely dependent on her walker or wheelchair. She refuses to go into assisted living, as many of the elderly do. She’s quite resistant to any help that’s offered. She won’t allow anyone to come past her gate entrance. Even when her groceries are delivered, she requests they leave all outside the gate.
Although she has lived in the neighborhood for 45+ years, none of the surrounding neighbors knew much about her or were willing to get involved. He said there was something I should know about her. He said it is one of the reasons the city had taken such an overt interest in her welfare. Helena is a Holocaust survivor.
I nearly dropped to my knees. He asked if I would consider looking in on her now and then.
I stared at him with my mouth ajar and felt a flood of tears nearing the surface. The only thing going through my mind was, “My Dear God! Did I speak? Did I answer? Did I hear my own voice?”
Finally I uttered, “Of course I will! I will look in on her everyday- every single day. You don’t have to worry. It will be an honor to do so.”
He left his phone number, thanked me and left. I stood speechless and overwhelmed. I looked towards Helena’s house and felt like all I knew and held precious had just been challenged.
Contrary to his claim, Helena did open her gate for me and invited me in. I’ve spent time with her every day. She refers to me as, “my dear lady.” She likes to tell stories and hear about my artwork. She has this wonderful accent and loves to laugh.
And I hear you. I have a lot of questions also, but I dare not ask. She’ll talk about it when she’s ready or wants to. I’ll let you know as our journey together evolves. As for me, I realized I have been blessed with all things precious.
Vikki
The photo is an image of the heavy marine layer I get in the early mornings. Beyond those palm trees is the Pacific Ocean. Being in a fog seemed apropos for this blog entry. (And yes, that’s one those stupid plastic owls hanging from the corner eaves. He keeps the Mallards out of my pool.)
33 comments:
Vikki - thats strange, my blog is about learning from our elders. What an honor it is and I have this feeling that you are both going to enrich each other's lives. It is incredible that someone can be 'alone' for that length of time. How did you break down the ice to even get her to trust you? She is going to give you great perspective about your own life. Truly a gift Vikki and a wonderful post. We need to listen to older people's stories and repeat them (with permission of course). Just like the 108 year old lady who let an acquaintance turn her stories into a blog (its in my post). Perhaps she will let you paint her portrait.
What a great story, and even better oportunity to meet someone ne and wonderful. She sounds like a wonderful woman, and I'm glad she let you through the gate...sounds like she wouldn't shun company she just doesn't want to be told what to do. Me neither, I'm with her! After what she has lived through I wouldn't want to go into a American Death Camp, I used to work in those homes, I know what they are. I hope you guys become great friends! Thanks for sharing with us all. :)
Vikki, how blessed this woman is to have you nearby. There's no greater calling than the simple act of caring about another human being. It takes a special person to even be willing to reach out the way you have.
I'm so glad you shared this. You're an inspiration!
Hi Lilly,
You and I most definitely have some connection, huh? The same theme to our post is just too frequent for us say ‘that’s a coincidence’.
I saw her watering her plants, so I stopped by her front gate. I yelled out that I was going to the store and asked if I could get her anything. Her immediate response was, “Who are? What do you want?”
When I explained and she yelled back in this craggy little voice, “Stay there! I want to look at you.”
She made her way up to the gate via her walker and inspected me from top to bottom. Then we talked at her front gate for about an hour. I gave her my phone number and she called that evening to chat again. After that she let me in and we’ve become quick friends. She just very lonely.
Vikki
Hi Martha,
Thank you. Helena is pretty incredible. Since the moment I met her, I find myself consumed with her stories and the images she’s putting in my head. It’s my privilege to get to know her. She’s just absolutely delightful.
Vikki
Hi Max,
I totally agree with you. She’s very adamant about what she wants and doesn’t want and isn’t about to let anyone come in and take over her life. She frustrated with her impairment with old age, but has found her own ‘work-arounds’ and still enjoys her days.
She told me yesterday that she wished she could just go somewhere and buy some new legs. If she had new legs- she could do everything she wanted.
Vikki
It is just so fateful that you meet and get to know this woman. Paint her for us?
Paint her as you see her - and get to know her.
Hi Lou,
I definitely intend to paint many portraits of Helena. (They may have to come from my memory.) I attempted to snap a digital photo of her yesterday. I nearly got a cane over my head. I’m going to have wait for actual photos for reference. I’m only allowed to photograph her plants right now.
She showed me photos of herself in her 20’s yesterday. Absolutely beautiful woman: tiny little brunette with this amazing smile.
Vikki
Vikki,
I read your post last night and it was difficult to respond because I thought about how I would feel if life threw me a curve ball such as this.
Could she be the red chair? Just a thought.
A time for every purpose under heaven.
Hi Chris,
I know exactly how you feel. I’m trying to get a handle on my emotions with it also. I actually set up this blog 3 times then deleted it. How do write it? What do I say?
Every time I see her, I just want to put my head on her lap and cry. But instead we talk about cooking and her husband (now gone 20 years). And she loves to gossip about the neighbors I’ve learned more dirty little secrets about my neighbors this week than I’ve known.
The extraordinary thing about Helena is she’s really one of the happiest and most grateful people I think I’ve ever met. Within a minute flat she has you laughing.
And yes, she's definitely a red chair.
Vikki
Vikki,
I understand about the loner syndrome. When I lived in Utah, I would look up from some chore or perfect view to realize that I hadn't been to 'town' in well over a month.
It took years for me to be able to adjust to hearing a phone ring, people speaking within earshot of me, and crowds were the worst of noises and energies!
I still don't 'go to town' much. The grass quit growing under the car and spiders build webs between the side mirrors and the windows so that I have to dislodge them when I start it up.
There's truly very few people I find worthwhile spending time around and the list gets smaller every year.
I think it's no coincidence that you were placed across the street from Helena. She reminds me of the character in Harold and Maude when I picture her.
This is more than helping out with a dear woman to see to her needs. It is an opportunity to gather inpiration for many paintings, many stories and for your own life.
Sometimes we get to meet with God face to face.
Thanks Dina,
That’s the same thing Helena said. She’s quite sure it was God that arranged all of this. Then she laughed and said, “He does things like this for me all the time.”
She’s really cute and you’re not far off in your picture of her. She’s about 5 feet tall and 100 lbs. She has pure white long hair. She braids it, and then wraps it up on top of her head.
She told me some kids had climbed her fence and were nosing around her yard. She went outside and told them, “You’d better run because I’m going to come over there and beat you to death with a stick.”
The image in my mind of this tiny little woman bracing her walker and threatening some teenagers with bloody mayhem was just too funny.
-I still enjoy people, although I do find (like you), I’m getting more discriminatory as to who I spend my time with as I get older.
Happy Birthday again girlfriend,
Vikki
What a wonderful and challenging set of experiences are ahead of you Vikki.
My uncle didn't talk much about WWII, in fact the only thing we knew was that he was captured and sent to a concentration camp. For some weird reason he was able to escape along with others. He was very young at that time. He passed away a year ago and never shared anything, and I understand, it was a hard and terrible time and he just wanted to forget...
She sounds like a wonderful woman, and what a blessing for the both of you to join each other.
Blessings,
MV./
Hi Manuela,
Thanks. Yes. Helena’s been an adventure already and she’s a pleasure to spend time with.
It’s strange how a lot of men don’t talk about what happened, like your Dad, huh? Your Dad must have had quite a story. It seems it would better, healing for them if they did share it. (Unlike ‘we girls’ who yak about everything)
Vikki
For a number of years, I was on the Board of Directors of WISE Senior Services (based in Santa Monica), a non-profit dedicated to maintaining the independence of senior citizens, and avoiding their premature institutionalization.
Interestingly, while growing up, I was always somewhat uncomfortable around elderly folks, except those in my family. I surmise that I was always afraid of becoming one of them. While serving on the Board, I managed to move beyond that, at least somewhat.
However, what really changed me later was my change in attitude. Every time that I saw an elderly person who looked depressed, angry, afraid, uncomfortable, or troubled, I would walk up to them and start an upbeat conversation. What I discovered was that I was NEVER disappointed. They all immediately opened up, shared their experiences or thoughts, and behaved as if they really enjoyed the interaction. Although I came up in the hippie generation, I'm no flower child. I suspect that much of society forgets about them and they begin to accept their loneliness. Imagine what a little extension of yourself can do.
Hi Logisitician- Reg,
You are so right. I think a great majority of elders are just starved for human contact. The irony is a retirement or assisted living home would give them that needed contact with other people as well as contact with those their own age.
Helena is in a borderline state of being able to care for her self. She states repeatedly that she will never go to ‘hospital’ again. I’m just taking this a day at a time. I enjoy her and I’ll do what I can.
Vikki
Thanks for this post Vikki!! and thanks to all the great commenters!
I will stop to talk to the seniors I have been rushing past to get my "business" done, for what better business is there than listening, loving and learning from our most experienced and wise elderly friends .
Hi Robin and thanks. That’s really a nice way of putting it and something we all should take to heart.
Vikki
That is going to be a great experience for you. give her time and she'll open up. I bet she has some amazing, and tragic stories tucked away in her head. She sounds like a very independent person, who does not want to be thought of as the old lady that needs help. I bet she loves to have someone to talk to finally.
Hi Eric,
And thanks for visiting my blog. You’re absolutely right. Helena’s very grateful for the companionship. She tells me every time we talk together. And she’s exactly as you describe. She doesn’t want anybody doing anything for her. I’ll take it slow with her and not push in any way.
I’m going to visit your blog and see what’s up with those pups.
Vikki
it's funny how things happen to get us out of ourselves, isn't it? just takes being open sometimes. look forward to reading more
Robin Weiss' comment made me think further, on a very primal level, regarding this subject. One of my first articles on my blog was entitled, "Why Racism, Although Problematic, Serves a Pragmatic and Utilitarian Function." To solve societal issues, I believe that we have to really understand the forces at work.
Much of human existence is about electro-chemical surges and hard wiring. The programming associated therewith ensures individual survival, but it is our large brain that allows us to perform activities far removed from survival functions. We can theoretically, and under permissive conditions, always override the less savory aspects of our hard wiring.
With seniors, not only is there the diminishing size of social circle and contact issue, there is also the change in physicality issue. We as humans are hard wired to react to certain images and appearances. We avoid images which make us feel uncomfortable. We also have a tendency to pre-judge the disposition and the attitude of those with particular physical attributes. (It's no different than one animal encountering another unknown animal.) One must be WILLING to make the mental leap, through the utilization of our larger brains and our collective experiences, to move past our innate fears and hard wired prejudices.
I spent a significant amount of my time in the 1980s and 1990s, traveling to Brazil. I ultimately learned that Sao Paulo, in Southern Brazil, had a significant Japanese population. The story of how they landed there is related to the treatment by the Japanese early in the 20th century, to overcrowding of the island and the manner in which they decided to address the issue through their senior citizens. It is some history worth reviewing.
Hi Mk.
Yes- you’re right about that.
Vikki
Hi Logisitician,
Excellent input, Reg: The biological explanation to this process and then a societal reaction to the aged body and mind.
My maternal grandmother moved in with us when she reached 80. She had gotten to a point she couldn’t take care of her home or self. My father had to forcibly move her from her home to ours. (That’s a story in itself.) I was a teenager and had no understanding of what or why this was happening.
Once she got over being enraged with my Dad and Mom, I think she enjoyed living with us. She was so important to me-always someone who would listen when I was at my pubescent worst. I think it is only because of her that I have been immune to the psychological reaction that you refer to.
I will definitely look up your article and give it a read.
Vikki
Hi Vikki,
I started to write a comment last night, but had to drop it. So today I will start over.
My mother lost relatives in the Holocaust. They lived in Poland. I have read a lot over the years about the Holocaust and Jewish history because it is part of my history as well.
Few Jewish women that lived in Poland survived the Holocaust. Some that survived joined the resistance or underground and fought along side of the men. Most of the women were murdered in the concentration camps. If this woman is Jewish, and she survived, she is one strong and smart women.
I look forward to your updates.
Hi Fred,
Thanks for visiting and your comment. I do know how you feel and I'm sorry my blog brought back this back to you. Helena and her stories are consuming every part of me. There are just no words to explain it.
Helena is definitely strong, very smart and a survivor. -She survived only because she spoke 4 different languages fluently at the tender age of 16. That was useful to them.
Helena is Polish Catholic. An estimated 1.5 to 1.8 million Polish (non Jewish) people died along side the Jewish in the camps.
At 16, she was on her way to school with a girlfriend. She wore the required symbol P on her clothing. She taken off the street by the German Army, then immediately placed in one of the railroad cars.
Vikki
I'm all choked up. My Mother spent the past year caring for a Polish holocaust survivor. Those who made it through the camps truly endured more than many of us can imagine.
Thanks Austin for writing. What a wonderful person your Mom must be. I’m sure she could fill a novel with all the stories. It’s just more than we can begin to fathom, huh?
Big hugs to you and your Mom.
Vikki
Hey Vikki,
I read this post the other day. I wanted to comment but couldn't think of how to put my thoughts into words.
Words that didn't sound like I was patting you on the back for completing a task or the writing of a good post.
I get such inspiration from people such as yourself. I think there is no greater gift one human can give to another than to give of ones self.
It's so funny that every single person that reaches out to help others 100% of the time comments on how they get back so much more than what they give. Yet, so many people can give you a million excuses as to why they can't/don't/won't spend their time helping others.
I think you are an old soul. I feel like you are tuned in to what gives life meaning. So many of us miss that or learn too late.
I pray that many blessing find you each and every day......
Hi Jules,
This is the dearest comment I’ve ever received on any blog. Thank you sweet lady.
Vikki
I'm so sorry that you have received an ugly comment from some demented, bigoted, nasty blog reader! It is amazing how small minded some people are, how little they have to say of value, how truly insignificant their contribution to others in this world really is. Your story touched me, and I'm so happy that I had an opportunity to "experience" this with you! Thanks for sharing so we can all benefit!
Judy Stines
Thanks Judy, for your kind words. I always remember that people who do things like that are ill and in far worse internal pain than anything that they are capable of putting on others.
Be assured, I would never allow someone like this to ‘rain on my parade’. Helena and I are writing her story and I’ve started a series of paintings from the old photos she’s been giving me. She’s pretty amazing.
And by the way- I read your profile. We’re the same age and sounds like we’re most definitely kindred spirits. I’ll visit your blog.
Vikki
I am sorry to hear you had a demento on your blog, welcome to the blog-o-sphere! Sorry someone as wonderful as you had to suffer the big nasty. Watch it big nasties...we love this woman!
GRRRRR!
Heather,
You’re so funny and I do love you. Thank you sweet girl.
Vikki
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